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It
is estimated that as many as 50 per cent of all children experience some
form of bullying during their school years.
Discovering That Your Child is Being Bullied
There are many situations that parents dread and one of their
biggest nightmares must be discovering that their child is, or has
been, the victim of bullying. Bullies are not just other children
who are openly obnoxious. Sometimes they can come into your child's
life masquerading as a friend, or sometimes it can even be a
teacher.
There is a difference between everyday childish disputes and playful
"ribbing" between friends and genuine bullying. A child may come
home and grumble about being having been thumped or called names by
another child who, most of the time, would be considered as a close
friend. This type of situation is often short-lived, does not have
any traumatic or psychological impact on the child and, often, as
most parents know, will blow over as quickly as it began. Children
will often embellish and fabricate stories for effect, but most
parents will be able to differentiate between a harmless tiff and
true bullying.
Signs That Your Child May Be a Victim of Bullying
When a child is being exposed to persistent unwelcome behaviour,
either mentally or physically, and is genuinely disturbed by what is
happening, then it is crucial to listen to them, believe them and
take positive action. However, not all children will admit to being
bullied, but there will be signs, some subtle and some obvious, that
your child is the victim of bullying. These include feigning illness
to avoid having to go to school, a decline in subject grades,
reluctance to participate in extra-curricular activities,
inexplicably losing money or personal property, or (in older
children) taking longer than usual to walk to and from school
because they have taken a different route in order to avoid the
bully or bullies. Physical signs of bullying might include torn
clothes, or unexplained scratches, cuts or bruises and your child
may be begin suffering nightmares, bedwetting or mood swings.
How
Do You Define Bullying?
Some children don't mention anything to their parents because they
may not believe that what they are being subjected to constitutes
bullying. Many children associate bullying with physical attacks,
but mental cruelty and isolation can be just as devastating and
damaging. Other children may be afraid that they will be called
"sissies" for reporting bullying incidents, or for not defending
themselves and this applies particularly to boys, who are often
expected to be tough.
Bullying can be defined as any continual, spiteful behaviour
targeted at a person or persons that causes distress, anguish or
pain. This includes, but is not limited to, unjustified criticism,
exclusion from playground activities and groups, name-calling, being
constantly criticised, belittled, humiliated, threatened, verbally
abused, blackmailed emotionally or attacked physically.
More and more children are being exposed to "digital bullying",
which involves sending malicious text or mobile phone messages. This
issue has also been highlighted in the national news recently, which
demonstrates that bullying can follow more sinister paths and does
not necessarily mean face-to-face confrontation. Digital bullying
can be more frightening in that it can often protect the anonymity
of the bully and, hence, the victim becomes distrustful of
everybody.
Types of Bullying
Bullying takes on many forms and there are several different types
of bully. However, they all have the same result; they cause misery
and stress-related illnesses to their victims.
The
following are examples of types of bullying:
*
Physical bullying
*
Direct Verbal Bullying (Taunts, name-calling and verbal threats to
the victim's face)
*
Indirect Verbal Bullying (Cruel comments behind the victims back
intended for the victim to overhear, unkind notes, letters,
graffiti)
*
Exclusion & Isolation Bullying (Deliberate exclusion from playground
activities and friendship groups, or total ignorance of the victim.
Often stands or sits alone at playtimes and is avoided in the
classroom)
*
Racial Bullying (This can encompass all the other types of bullying
and the victim is targeted because of his or her race. Verbal
attacks usually make reference and fun of the child's ethnic origin)
*
Digital Bullying (Text messaging, mobile phone calls and messages,
e-mail)
Bullies Are Weak
Bullying is not a sign of strength, but a sign of emotional
weakness. In order to be able to handle bullies, we have to
understand why they victimise others.
People who bully may well have been bullied themselves or else they
feel powerless in some other area of their lives. Alternatively,
they may have been exposed to abnormal amounts and types of TV
violence, in which instance the parents have not taken
responsibility to censor certain types of viewing. Some fathers may
even encourage their children to engage in bullying behaviour by
play fighting, which may seem harmless, but in the extreme can teach
children that this is an acceptable way to behave.
People who bully others do so to give themselves power or control
over something. Consequently, they generally prey on the weak, on
those whom they feel confident will not fight back. However, in some
instances a bully who is challenged can in turn become even more
vicious, stooping to unscrupulous methods of retaliation.
Bullies will focus on any chink in somebody's armour or any
perceived difference that they regard to be a weakness. Whether
their victim is of a different ethnic orientation, has a visible
flaw or disability, does not conform to a popular image, or is in
another minority for whatever reason, their differences are viewed
by the bully as a valid excuse to ridicule them.
Victimisation of others is a way of masking the bully's own
insecurities or inadequacies. Bullies are often unable, or
unwilling, to recognise or acknowledge the devastating effects that
the bullying has upon their victims.
What Should You Do as The Parent of a Bullied Child?
*
Reassuring your child that it is not his fault is one of the most
important steps a parent can take. Teach your child be proud of
himself and any differences about which he may feel conscious. It's
OK to be different. Many of the world's successful people did not
get where they are by being the same as everyone else
*
It is natural for you to feel angry and your initial reaction might
be to confront the bully yourself, or to approach the parents of the
bully. This could create more problems for your child and yourself.
If the bully is aggravated, it may fuel his or her intent to further
harm your child. If the bully comes from a violent home, you too
could find yourself on the receiving end of some unwanted harassment
yourself. Let the school take the responsibility of contacting the
parent(s) of the bully
*
Assess the seriousness of the situation. Sometimes a harmless tiff
can be blown out of proportion and when the sparring children are
friends again, the parents are still at war with each other
*
Inform your child's school, but firstly ask your child whether she
would prefer to speak to her form tutor or principal herself. If
necessary, ask the school to protect your anonymity. Sometimes the
best way to expose a bully is for the teachers to catch him or her
red-handed
*
Find out what the school's current bullying policy is and how the
school intends to monitor the situation
*
Teach your child strategies for dealing with the bullying. Tell your
child to stay in a group when at all possible and to let you know
exactly where he is going and with who at all times. Enrol him in a
self-defence class, not as a method of harming the bully, but as a
means of defending himself. If the bullying is verbal, tell your
child to confront the bully by saying, "Please don't call me that
again. It's cruel and hurtful."
*
Encourage your child to feel comfortable talking to you, a teacher
or a counsellor and to confidently report every incident of bullying
*
Ask your child to keep a dated diary of events that you can share,
or make your own record of incidents, including any mood swings or
emotional and physical effects that you notice in your child that
you may think is attributed to the bullying
*
If the school appears to be ignoring the situation, or taking no
constructive action, write a formal letter to the head expressing
your grievances and copy the letter to the local education
authority. If you still do not feel that the school is being
supportive, threaten to remove your child from the system until
positive action is taken, or even consider seeking legal advice
What Should You Do If Your Child is The Bully?
It sometimes comes as a shock to learn that your child is a bully,
but it is important to remain as calm as possible. You may feel like
yelling at your child and coming out with a string of negative
insults, but doing this could ultimately make the situation worse
and exacerbate the bullying behaviour.
Some parents may not want to believe that their child is capable of
such behaviour and may continue to live in denial, but it is crucial
to find out as much as you can about the nature of the bullying from
the complainant or the school. Trying to identify a motive can be
difficult, but it is imperative that you sit down with you child and
discuss the situation with him. You need to establish whether
something is upsetting him and, most importantly, explain that
bullying is not, and never will be, acceptable behaviour.
Advice to Children Who are Being Bullied
*
Bullying should never be ignored. Ignoring the bully who taunts and
makes unkind comments can sometimes cause them to turn their
attentions to someone else. This may solve the problem for you, but
only by transferring the misery to the bully's next victim. Tell to
someone he you can trust; either your parents, a close friend or a
teacher. Never keep it to yourself
*
Keep a diary of dates, times, places and detailed accounts of
bullying incidents, including the names of any witnesses present. A
bully will often lie and cheat, but over a period of time they are
bound to trip up, so recording events, accusations, criticisms and
conversations as they occur can serve as evidence in the future
*
Learn to appear confident because bullies have a tendency to pick on
socially awkward children. When the bully realises that he or she
can't dominate you, you are one step closer to solving the problem
*
If you do not feel comfortable talking to family or friends, contact
a bully support line
*
Make the bully your friend. This is a difficult one, especially when
you are dealing with negative feelings such as anger and mistrust.
However, when you make an attempt to empathise and understand the
reasons behind the bullying, you gain empowerment and no longer feel
so threatened by their behaviour
Conclusion
Never assume that because you child refuses to admit she is being
bullied that she isn't. I have read some stories so harrowing, they
would make you sob. Here are just a few of them:
In
Canada,
a bright and diligent 14-year-old student leapt to his death from a
bridge. He left a seven-page suicide note saying he was killing
himself because his classmates tormented him by calling him "gay" or
"faggot". Tragically, he never told his mother he was being bullied.
Shortly afterwards, a 14-year-old girl hanged herself in her bedroom
with a dog leash. She left a note that read, "If I try to get help,
it will get worse. They are always looking for a new person to beat
up, and they are the toughest girls."
Last Saturday, the mother of a 13-year-old schoolgirl found her
hanging from a strip of cloth in her bedroom at their home near
Cardiff. Before her death, she had complained about being bullied at
school.
Finally, read this brief, but distressing excerpt from the book, "Bullycide
- Death at Playtime".
From chapter 2: Little flowers I shall remember forever and will
never forget. Monday: my money was taken. Tuesday: names called.
Wednesday: my uniform torn. Thursday: my body pouring with blood.
Friday: it's ended. Saturday: freedom.
The
final diary pages of 13-year-old Vijay Singh. He was found hanging
from the banister rail at his home.
Please don't let it happen to your child.
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